Not So Lost
by Demon Faith
Summary: A series of stories that examine the possibility that Tim Speedle is alive SpeedEric
1. Freeze frame

TITLE: Freeze-frame

AUTHOR: Demon Faith

FANDOM: CSI: Miami

PAIRING: None actually – are you shocked?

SPOILERS: 'Lost Son' (Denial fic)

NOTES: Okay, you guilted me – let's do this thing.

Another day, another crime and another bad mood for Eric Delko. He ignored the whispers of the lab techs as he headed for Tyler's lab – he was past caring what they thought about him, what did it matter? If he wanted to wear a stormcloud as a toupee, who would stop him?

"This had better be good, Tyler," he snapped and the lab tech shot him a look somewhere between concern and annoyance. Eric toned it down a little – Tyler looked as wretched as he felt. So much for moving on.

"The video's a little blurry but I think we can capture the guy with a little…wait…there."

Eric nodded appreciatively, as the picture snapped into focus. That would go a long way to identifying the guy – thank goodness he had stopped to buy gum before raiding the store next door.

"You think his accomplice joined him?" Eric wondered aloud, and Tyler shrugged.

"Let's take a look."

Subtle shifts of focus on the frozen image brought different faces into view, but none of them matched the description the store owner had given. Just as Eric was about to give up, he caught sight of something that made his heart stop cold.

"There, Tyler, there," he managed to gasp, pointing a shaking finger at the screen. For a moment, both men froze as still as that preserved image, reality stubbornly insisting that what they were seeing couldn't possibly be real.

"Zoom in, see if you can clear it up," Eric found himself saying, and Tyler nodded soundlessly, fingers stuttering on the keys.

And there it was, spread across the AV lab screens, defying all probability and laws of logic, but still undeniably there. They were staring at Tim Speedle's face.

"Are you…are you sure this is the right tape?" Eric muttered, and Tyler nodded, still unable to form words. Pinching himself for good measure, Eric blinked at the image but it refused to shift – that was Speed.

Reaching over Tyler, Eric rewound the tape and started playback again, drinking in the sight of Speed moving, breathing, and for one moment, glancing over at the camera.

Tyler froze it without being asked and they took another moment to regard the grainy freeze-frame of the man they had all thought was dead.

The significance of this discovery hit Eric like a ton of bricks and he quickly leant down to Tyler, meeting his eyes squarely.

"You can't tell anyone about this."

Tyler looked horrified. "Delko, it's…it's him! Damnit, we buried him…"

Eric swallowed hard and looked up at the screen again. "I know, but if Tim went to all this effort to…disappear, there has to be a good reason."

Tyler began to protest again but eventually he nodded with another glance up at the screen before taking it down and replacing it with the image of their perp. Eric felt instantly bereft but simply laid a hand on Tyler's shoulder and moved out of the lab.

He couldn't tell a soul, he didn't know exactly how or why but suddenly, because of one frozen image, Eric felt as though the clouds were lifting and maybe, just maybe, it was going to be a good day.


	2. Your Dice, Destiny

TITLE: Your Dice, Destiny

AUTHOR: Demon Faith

FANDOM: CSI: Miami

PAIRING: Speed/Eric

NOTES: At last – sequel to 'Freeze-frame' for lasairfhiona.

Title taken from the Nietzsche-attributed quote – 'Give me today, for once, the worst throw of your dice, destiny. Today I transmute everything into gold.'

Infinite Diversity in Infinite Combinations.

Coincidence is the preferred explanation of fools.

Everything is Random.

It was strange that they pulled the road up in winter, but gas lines burst, water pipes freeze. It was odd that he was hungry when he'd eaten breakfast not twenty minutes before. It was pure chance that his regular coffee shop was closed and so he'd nipped round the corner to the old café he'd barely given two glances to before.

It was destiny that he ran straight into his dead best friend.

They stood there for a moment, shock consuming Eric and horror flooding Speed's eyes. Rationally, he knew this could happen. He'd seen the tape, seen Speed move when he shouldn't even have been breathing, but the chances of actually seeing him, being able to drink in the sight of him and reassure himself that he was in fact very much alive were…astronomical.

Eric frankly didn't care.

Tim apparently did, as he grabbed hold of Eric's arm and dragged him outside, round the corner and straight into the back of a van. For one absurd moment, Eric thought he was being kidnapped, and found that he actually didn't mind.

The van was freezing and Eric soon realised that Speed had been living in it. There was a sleeping bag, a pair of binoculars and a Dictaphone, all which made no sense whatsoever to Eric's whirling brain. Speed was here, he was here with Speed – he never thought this would happen again.

But here it was, happening, and all Eric could do was gawp like a fish.

"Didn't think I'd been seeing you again," he said with forced lightness, and Speed smiled awkwardly, lips twitching amongst the scraggly beard. Eric preferred the stubble.

"I, uh, this wasn't meant to happen."

Eric swallowed down his fervent ramblings about destiny and chance and offered a small, closed smile.

"Yeah, I figured." A significant pause. "Should I just go?"

Tim's reaction was instantaneous – his hand shot out and grabbed hold of Eric's arm. "No," he croaked out, then tried to withdraw but Eric held on, covering his hand with his own.

"Can you tell me what's going on?" Tim shook his head. "Do you have to stay…dead?" A sigh and a nod. "Do you have to live in here?"

Speed shuffled awkwardly on the floor, mumbling under his breath. Eric leaned closer to hear – "Nowhere else to go."

"Stay at mine."

A definite shake of his head then, but Eric reached out to him, made him look.

"There's an abandoned basement directly beneath my apartment. You wouldn't…even have to see me. But you can't stay here – you'll catch your death."

As if to prove his point, Tim started to cough, a horrible hack that made Eric draw him into his arms and rub soothing circles into his back. When the fit subsided, they stayed together, slowly breathing in each other, a strange ritual that neither fully understood but just seemed…right.

"I can't be alone anymore." Tim's voice cracked ominously and Eric closed his eyes, willing himself to be strong.

"You don't have to be," Eric said gently and, after a few quiet moments, felt Tim's head nod against his shoulder and just restrained his sigh of relief.

"Come home, Tim."

He shouldn't be doing this. He should put this down to a random whim of Fate and carry on with his task.

He absolutely should not be heading up to Eric's apartment.

Words of protest were rising to his lips when he stopped and really thought about it. Who would know? He could report in as normal – there'd be no way of knowing where he was choosing to sleep.

And this might just give him the strength to live another day.

"Hey, you okay?"

Eric had stopped with him and was regarding him with concern. Tim raised a shadow of a smile for him and gestured ahead. "Shall we?"

A grin then and Speed realised how very much he had missed that smile. He pushed all the 'importance of solitude' briefings out of his mind and concentrated on the broad sweep of muscle, the faint scent of salt that always seemed to claim Eric's skin and those dancing dark eyes that could promise him the world if only he would take one step beyond...

They were at the apartment door and Eric was pushing him towards the shower, handing over fresh towels and some apple-scented soap before heading for the kitchen to make waffles. It was a strangely surreal experience, a reminder of the home in Syracuse that he'd left behind long ago. As the hot water pounded down around him, Speed thought he could get used to this and that scared him because it was against the rules, against protocol, and it could wind him up dead for real.

A few minutes with Eric and he'd forgotten all those barriers – he just wanted to stay forever. And that was terrifying.

He emerged from the shower to find an old pair of Eric's pyjamas waiting for him. He dressed quickly and then sat down at Eric's kitchen table, trying not to notice that the picture of the two of them was now face down on the mantle. He was soon presented with a plate of waffles and golden syrup and wolfed it down without thinking, ignoring Eric patiently telling Horatio that he was very sick and wouldn't be in for a couple of days.

He thought the sneeze were a nice touch.

Eric whisked the plate away before he could protest and shepherded him towards his bedroom and before he knew it, his exhausted body was curled up in bed and he was already half-asleep.

Without really thinking, he asked Eric to stay and when his best friend slipped in beside him, he pulled him close and wondered if this was against the rules.

He found once more that he didn't care – today, Destiny was smiling, and he'd take his random chances as they came.


	3. Paper Snow

TITLE: Paper Snow

FANDOM: CSI: Miami

PAIRING: Speed/Eric

NOTES: Continuing my bizarre little AU (if anyone can remember it!), but can be read without prior knowledge:

Eric eased open the door and sniffed at the air. Cookies…

Shrugging off his coat and hanging it carefully – well-trained now, he thought happily – before laying down his keys and sneaking towards the oven.

"Don't even think about it."

Eric winced and turned towards the kitchen table, where Speed sat, surrounded by reams of paper and intently staring at the pair of scissors in his hand.

"Um…what's going on?" Eric asked nonchalantly, sliding closer. Speed looked up over the glasses that were balanced on the edge of his nose then returned to his task. Eric sighed as his eyes ghosted over him – he had aged so much in that past year, hair greying slightly and now the glasses. It was all Eric had been able to do to keep him eating, smiling, sane.

This wasn't even remotely sensible, of course. Someone was going to find out – Speed's bosses, or even H, but they never discussed it, never dared suggest that it end. The guys at the lab just thought Eric was a recluse and his landlord had never been one to ask questions. And if Speed vanished for weeks at a time, returning more harried and haunted than ever, Eric would only hold him calmly, never asking what woke him screaming, why it had to be this way.

"I am decorating," Speed said impatiently, as if it was obvious, and when Eric looked around, he realised tinsel had been scattered about and there appeared to be mulled wine simmering on the hob.

Another strange thing about this situation was that Speed was home a lot more often than Eric, and apparently grateful to have any house at all, he'd made it into some kind of domestic shrine. Eric's mother was always suitably impressed during her not-so-subtle inspections, and he always felt guilty for taking credit for the latest batch of Speed's baking.

"Ah, I see. And right now you would be…?"

Speed rolled his eyes and set down the scissors. He pulled off the glasses and twirled them in one hand, stealing Eric's breath in the process. He was filled with a sudden urge to dive across the table and kiss his lover senseless, but realised that Speed probably wouldn't appreciate the scattering of his project.

It had been inevitable really. Sharing the flat, being already so close coupled with the half-grief and relief drew them closer together, and if Eric's comforting caresses had turned to kisses, if Speed's grateful words became breathy moans, who could resist that? Who would want to?

"Making snowflakes."

Speed lifted up an intricately folded circle and carefully twitched the paper until it revealed the delicate web of paper snow he had spun. Eric took it off him and turned it over in his hands, mesmerised.

"You did this?"

Speed snatched it back, cheeks reddening. "I just thought it would be nice," he mumbled, before gathering up his flaked paper. Eric captured him in his arms and planted a kiss on his nose.

"They're beautiful. You're beautiful."

"Eric, I need…"

Eric swallowed the words and quelled any protest with a pacifying sweep of his tongue. Speed surrendered and let the paper fall, surrounding them in a blizzard of twirling stars.


	4. Stuffy, Hot, Fractious

TITLE: Stuffy, Hot, Fractious

AUTHOR: Demon Faith

FANDOM: CSI: Miami

PAIRING: Speed/Eric

WORDS: 776

NOTES: Why do I always get drawn in when the challenge is extended! sigh. This drabble (particularly the title) describes me right now – why is Cardiff, of all places, having a heat wave?

**writerschoice: summer**

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He couldn't stand it any longer. He was going slightly mad.

Miami, as a rule, was a warm, sunny place. He was used to this. He could deal with this.

The air-conditioning had broken. He was going to die.

Like a dog imprisoned in a car, he pressed his nose to the window and panted, but that didn't help. He had drunk all the soda and juice and milk; the fridge was bare and the water ran from the tap in a lukewarm trickle. He had taken to chipping away at the freezer just to place something cool on his tongue.

He couldn't go outside. Not since he'd almost run into Calleigh on the stairs. They'd decided it wasn't safe anymore, and now H was lurking around Eric's building all the time in some kind of melancholia. He couldn't blame him.

Stuck in his boiler of a prison, he couldn't even open the window to feel the breeze. No one was home and everyone knew that. The entire city knew that. And he could tell this because he'd found out from the news.

CSI stabbed. Not even a year since that fatal shooting – did everyone remember that? When Tim Speedle had been gunned down in a jewellery store (and his ID photo blown up on the screen, in case anyone had forgotten his face). And here we are again, with Eric Delko – his best friend, did you know? – lying in intensive care on the cusp of death.

And he was trapped in his apartment.

All he could do was watch the newsreader's face, lined with false pity, intoning his beautiful lover's fate as the story slipped further and further from the breaking news until it was simply a line: No news on CSI Delko.

This could only end one of two ways, of course. Either Eric…slipped away, absent from life as he had once believed his best friend to be, or he pulled through, recovered and…came home.

To his empty apartment. With his friends crowded around him, making sure he was okay, refusing to leave him alone. Except he wouldn't be alone, though no one knew that, no one could know that.

Whatever happened, he knew he had to go. They were naïve to believe this charade could last and now it was coming to an end. He had stopped watching the television; he would leave without knowing, it was better that way.

He'd wait in Mexico for his next assignment and no one would ever need to know he still lived. Not that it mattered – without Eric, it would barely be true.

He had gathered his things and he was ready to escape. With one last look around – the first time he'd been there, when he'd realised he was in love, when he'd returned from the dead, where they'd shared their first kiss, first made love, first believed in hope – he moved to open the door.

The handle was already turning.

He leapt back and hurried to the bedroom, closing the door but for an inch where he could monitor the situation. He could pretend to be a robber and move fast enough to maintain the illusion. Except these were CSIs he was dealing with, because they would be here to clear the apartment, to…

Eric walked in.

His heart stopped, his world ceased to turn – everything flickered like an old movie on a reel and for one absurd moment, he believed in hope again.

Tyler followed him.

"Should I set them down here? That okay?"

"Yeah, that'll be…fine," Eric winced and eased himself onto the couch. He longed to touch him, comfort, but he had to stay behind the door. He had to run.

"Well, I'll leave you now. Remember…Calleigh will be here later. In case you have…a friend round."

In a second, Tyler was gone and his heart was beating out of his chest. He knew. Tyler knew and Eric was smiling, so he had told him and…what had just happened?

"Tim…?" came the soft hesitant whisper and he couldn't hide any longer. He pushed open the door and ran to kneel at his lover's feet, regarding him with teary desperate eyes.

"Hey," he rasped out, and kissed Eric's knuckles tenderly, unsure where to touch him, if he would break.

Eric just smiled wider, pale and weak, yet so beautiful, so…tangible.

"I should go," he muttered but Eric looked alarmed so he didn't say any more.

"Open a window, Tim?" said with his mouth and 'we'll work it out, together, stay' with his eyes.

"Yes."

He threw open the window and breathed freedom, letting the breeze cleanse the air and bless their promise.


	5. Babysat

TITLE: Babysat

AUTHOR: Demon Faith

FANDOM: CSI: Miami

PAIRING: Speed/Eric

WORDS: 321

NOTES: Continuing "Not So Lost" – but all you need to know is Tim's involved in something and Eric's recovering, all post-'Lost Son'

**writerschoice: **adult

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"Really, Tim, I'll be fine," Eric began again, but Speed wasn't listening.

"Done!" was the triumphant cry and Speed turned from the computer, glasses pushed up his nose again as he smiled. "Shopping to last a lifetime. Now, who are you going to ask over?"

"Tim, for the last time…"

"I think someone should be here every night, to be safe. If you fall, we could…a call button! Call up the guys at the hospital, they'll get…"

"Tim! Will you just listen for…"

"…H will check up on you anyway, but you should really carry your cell at all times. Have their numbers all on speed dial. Now, you know that you can't get hold of me…"

"Tim, I'm breaking up with you."

"…though I might be able to get a message out if I'll be gone longer than a month this time. I think someone higher up must have realised by now that I'm not roaming the streets, but I'm not sure they care as long as I'm still "dead"."

"Tim, I'm pregnant."

"No one at the lab knows except Tyler. You should tell him I'll be gone for a while, so he'll check up on you more often. I trust Ty."

"Tim, I'm marrying the President."

"Is all that clear?"

"You don't listen to a word I say, do you?"

Speed's lips twitched. "Is Calleigh the father?"

Eric smacked him playfully. "Idiot." A pause. "I hate it when you leave like this."

"I know," Speed said softly and then enveloped him in his arms. "But it has to be this way."

"I know," Eric said, though he didn't really. "I can take care of myself. I am an adult."

"Sometimes, I wonder." Another smack, kissed better. "I just…worry."

"Me too," Eric whispered, holding him as if he'd never come back, wishing they were children, within a safe, protected world.

"Don't," said Speed, knowing that everyone grows old too soon.


	6. Superimposed

TITLE: Superimposed

AUTHOR: Demon Faith

FANDOM: CSI: Miami

PAIRING: Speed/Eric

WORDS: 392

NOTES: More "Not So Lost"! I was planning to write for this anyway, because it's a beautiful challenge. Here goes nothing!

**writerschoice: **images on a roll of film

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The dark room was getting to him.

He tried to concentrate on his task, mixing chemicals, setting up trays, monitoring temperatures. This was a delicate business – one false move and everything was ruined. But he knew this process like he knew his own skin, comfortable and familiar and sane.

There were new scars. Eric would be upset.

He remembered the first time, when Eric had found the bullet hole and the autopsy scars. There had been soft reassurances and tears, heart-breaking tears. Speed would never forget that.

The horror of what had happened to him still lurked in the shadows of his mind, but he refused to think about it. The image before him swam into focus.

The safe light threw blood red over everything in the room, but especially his hands, always his hands. He couldn't think.

Closing his eyes, he took a deep breath, taking himself to another time, another dark room, another life.

Eric would tease even then, asking about women and dates and where they were going out next. He wasn't supposed to be in the dark room – it was serious work and only those with cameras were permitted within its walls, but that never stopped Eric hanging out with Speed, keeping him company even though he probably had better things to do, lunch to eat, reports to write.

He was always there.

When Speed shut his eyes, he saw him. In the middle of the chaos of his existence, he could still see Eric, place his image over the things he photographed that he wished he'd never had to see. This was worse than CSI; this he was a part of.

How could Eric even look at him? How could he use Eric this way, sullying him with these…things? He didn't deserve this. Speed didn't deserve him.

_Shut up._ A kiss then, and Speed smiled, lost in his little world. Eric could forgive him anything, even the unspeakables that dwelt in the dark, and told Speed that it was destiny and they were together and nothing else mattered.

So, he'd leave the room of dark and red, leave those images drying on the line. In a few days, he would be back with Eric and the negatives could fade away as he was held and protected and loved.

And maybe soon he would start to live again.


End file.
